Learning To Love Myself *NSFW language used*

People always say that confidence is the sexiest thing about a woman, but people also fail to realize that not every woman has the highest level of confidence. How do I know? Because I’m one of those women who lacks confidence. And has lacked confidence for as long as she can remember.

From an early age, I knew I was different. I was always bigger than the other girls in my classes, and it really made me feel bad about myself. I felt like I was never accepted by anyone. Being bullied in the 7th grade didn’t make anything easier either. There were times that I contemplated suicide just so I didn’t have to deal with being the “fat” girl anymore. But I’m thankful that I didn’t go through with it. I was really reserved in school because of my weight. I never wore anything that was tight, I always wore hoodies and jeans to cover as much of my body as possible. I now realize how much worse that made it, but at the time that’s all that made me feel secure. I hardly dated throughout high school because I knew that if I wasn’t confident in myself, then I’d just be absolutely miserable. The 2 guys that I did date were complete jerks. Both of them ended up cheating on me to go to someone who was skinnier, and the most recent one really set me over the edge. I trusted him with all my heart, and he screwed me over, and something finally clicked in my head:

I shouldn’t base my value or how I feel about myself based on how a man views me.

I finally realized that I was worth more than what other people thought of me. I’m still in the process of really adopting that mindset because I’ve thought that way for so long, but I finally realized that I’m worth so much more.

Yes, I am overweight but does that make me any less than a girl who’s a size 2? No. I’m still a human being, I still have feelings, a heart, and just because I have extra baggage, doesn’t make me any less.

Yes, I have big arms that I’m very self conscious about. But does that give someone, especially a man, the right to point it out? Absolutely not because it’s not his body, never has been , never will be his body. I get it, appearance is a lot in a relationship these days, but you know what, FUCK SOCIETIES STANDARDS OF WHAT BEAUTIFUL IS.

I have a stomach, I have stretch marks, I have bigger arms, I have thighs that touch, but does that honestly mean I’m not beautiful? To some, yeah that means I’m not beautiful. If I can’t fit into a size 8 or below jean, a size medium or smaller shirt or a two piece bikini that barely covers my nipples and vagina, then I’m not considered beautiful because that’s the way society, and stuck up pricks, says the standards should be.

I’ll never be a size 2 in my life. I will never be a size 4 or 6 or 8 in my life for that matter. I have a medical condition that makes it hard for me to lose weight, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try.

But the fact of the matter is: every woman is beautiful, myself included. It’s taken me 19 years to figure this out, and yes, I’m still having a hard time realizing that my worth isn’t base on a number on a scale. After being put down, bullied, and made out to be some monster because I don’t weigh 108 pounds, it’s hard to realize that I’m worth more than what society has brainwashed me, and almost every other woman, into thinking we’re worth if we’re not picture perfect, top model size.

I’m learning to be proud of who I am, extra weight and all. I’m learning that if a man can’t handle a little extra something something, then he doesn’t deserve me, because I should be loved for more than how I look. I’m learning that if people can’t be my friend because I’m not skinny like them, then they lost out on a damn good friend because my size doesn’t determine how I function in a friendship or what I’m able to put out in a friendship. I’m learning that I can do anything that I want to do regardless of what size I am, and that I’m a damn good person. I’m learning that I’m sick and tired of trying to live up to societies standards of beautiful because I’m beautiful no matter what. No two people are the same, yet the world tries to make us believe that we have to look like a Victoria’s Secret model to be accepted, and that’s bullshit.

When it comes down to it, there’s one simple thing that I tell myself: I can lose the weight if I work hard enough, which I am. But the people of this world who decide to judge based off of a fucking number on a scale? They can’t lose their arrogance. They can’t lose their shitty ass views of life. They can’t lose their shallowness, and they usually always try when they see someone come up from being put down better than ever.

So to everyone who has ever judged me based on the fact that I have extra weight, FUCK YOU. Because while you’re sitting their in your shallow ass puddle, I will be succeeding in life. I will continue to learn to love myself because I AM WORTH MORE THAN YOUR WORDS AND YOUR VIEWS. YOU DO NOT DETERMINE MY LIFE ANYMORE. I am beautiful the way that I am. So you can take a seat, and watch with all the other haters at how much I’ll achieve in my life. Thank you, honestly, for being my motivation to learn to love myself to conquer your views though. You did me a favor in the end.

Class of 2015… I Made It!

Today is a day that every person dreams of when they start school. After years of dealing with countless and endless amounts of assignments, tests, quizzes, figuring out ways to fake sick to get out of running the mile in PE or doing the pacer test, trying to get out of that god awful lab in biology, and trying to find your way through and the people you belong with, you finally reach a day where it suddenly just stops. Everything ends. You realize you’re graduating. You realize that one day, you’ll no longer be a student, but rather, you’ll be an adult. You won’t be walking in the doors of a school anymore (or in my case, logging onto my classes online), you won’t be talking to your teachers, you won’t be seeing everyone you saw every day in school, you won’t have anymore of those state tests to take, you won’t deal with the cliques, you’ll be done. You will be finished with your high school career… and believe me, it’s definitely a bittersweet moment no matter what anyone says, or how irritated and done with school you are.

For me, getting to graduation was extremely rough. After my freshman year of high school in my brick and mortar school, I knew that graduating would be a tedious task. I didn’t enjoy being at school in any way. I felt so out of place, I felt judged, I felt trapped. I didn’t like most of my teachers. The staff in general was horrible. The administration was horrible, and I didn’t feel like I was getting a proper education anyways since the school made it to where EVERYONE had a chance. Meaning, if things needed to be dumbed down in order to allow someone else to succeed, then they’d do it. I didn’t feel challenged enough, and I just hated it. I was beyond miserable. I managed to get through my freshman year and only fail one semester of algebra. Not too bad for someone who never showed up to school. Sophomore year though? That was a nightmare. I didn’t pass a single class either semester, I received a no credit in my English class, and I simply did not care where I was ending up in life at that moment. I knew that I had to do something else or else I would fail, be a drop out, and never achieve the goals that I had set out for myself.

That’s when I found out about the school that I just graduated from. It was an online public high school. It’s sort of like the alternative schools that they have around, but it’s online. I knew that this school would make a difference, and I was right. It took a lot of convincing for my parents to allow me to go, but they will never regret it. I started this school what should have been my junior year, but was instead a makeup sophomore year. I had to make up my sophomore year, while taking junior classes, and then so on. It seemed impossible in the beginning, and even I failed to see the light at the end of the tunnel for a while. However, my grades skyrocketed. I went from a 0.07 GPA at my brick and mortar school, to a 3.5 GPA at this new school. I suddenly had a drive to work hard and finish. After making up my sophomore year, I had to finish my junior year classes and take all of my senior year ones. I ended up taking enough classes to make up 8 of the 10 credits I still lacked at the end of my “senior” year and ended that semester with a 4.0. I had never felt so much pride or satisfaction in my entire life than when my mom texted me a picture of the 4.0 in the GPA box on my report card. I cried tears of joy, and that’s when I knew that I was going to finish, and I was not going to be a failure or a drop out. I had 2 credits left, which meant I had to take another year of high school, and be considered a “super senior”. I was perfectly okay with this because I knew that I would be a super senior who would be graduating and finishing rather than giving up.

Today, June 20th, 2015, I graduated. After failing an entire year of school, and making up 3 years of school in 2 years, I finally graduated, and it was the best feeling in the world. I contemplated not attending my graduation because it was held 3.5 hours away from my city where I’m from, but I am beyond grateful that everyone talked me into going because it was to gratifying to walk across that stage and be handed my diploma cover, shake hands with everyone, and know that I accomplished something that I never thought I would and I couldn’t be more proud of myself than I am right now, nor could I be more scared because a huge chapter of my life has officially closed, and new ones are about to open. But either way, I know that no matter what, I will be able to get through it, just like I got through my schooling. I will never ever regret my decisions for attending an online school, nor will I regret how things turned out for me. When the going gets tough, just remember – you have the ability to change the way your own life turns out. If you want to achieve something, GO ACHIEVE IT. Do not allow any roadblock or obstacle to hold you back. You go and you achieve your dreams, and be damn proud of yourself in the end no matter how long it takes you to finally say you finished. It’s worth every minute, every tear, and every emotional breakdown.

I am class of 2015, and I am history in the making. 

Insanely Simple Sugar Scrub

So, I was always skeptical about using sugar scrubs. I thought it was just one of those things that people got overly excited about because they saw a celebrity use it on TV or something. Naturally, I had to try it to see if all the rage was worth it. I quickly found out that this mixture that I had put together would open a whole new level of amazement in my life!

What I Used:

• 1 cup sugar ( can be 1 cup brown sugar, 1 cup white granulated sugar; half and half; 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 white;1/3 brown, 2/3 white, the variations are endless! Just do whatever you please!)
• 1/4 – 1/2 cup olive oil (start with the lesser amount and work your way up. I found that 1/2 cup made my sugar scrub way runnier than I wanted it. You want your scrub to be able to sit in your hands without running off! So use as much oil as you please, just don’t over do it!)
  • Note: You can google different oils to use for a sugar scrub, this is the only oil I had on hand right before my shower, and I was really eager to try this sugar scrub. It still worked flawlessly.
• 1 cap-full of vanilla extract

Simply mix all ingredients together until well incorporated and store in a PLASTIC container! DO NOT USE GLASS JARS. Glass jars and showers do not mix well together and having a glass jar break in a shower and getting tiny shards of glass everywhere would be a recipe for disaster.

How I Used It:

Since it’s a body scrub, you can use it practically anywhere. I scooped some into my hand and rubbed it all over my abdomen and rinsed it off, and did the same with my arms. I didn’t particularly like the oily film it left on my skin, so I did wash my body with my body wash after, but it still had an effect. Then I scrubbed my legs with it! I did this one at a time, rinsed, and then shaved my legs, and OH MY GOODNESS. My legs have NEVER been so soft in my entire life. As a matter of fact, I showered almost 5 hours ago and my legs are still silky smooth.

Since the sugar scrub is used for exfoliating, I feel like it allowed for a much closer shave then you’d get without exfoliating. All the dead skin is taken off when you exfoliate, so you don’t get that nasty crap on your razor when you shave!

Needless to say, you can add different essential oils to it to mix it up a bit. Try googling different recipes online to see what you can create! The one I did was simple and basic and easy to make!

I hope you all enjoy! If you have any questions, please ask!

First Tattoo Experience

Yes! I finally did it. I finally got a tattoo. I’ve been wanting one for 5 years now, since I was 14, but I was never allowed to get one when I was younger than 18, and I never had the money once I turned 18, so I had to wait. There came a day when I went to my best friends house for the night, and I told her that I was dying to get a tattoo, and she said well let’s go! Sadly, they weren’t taking walk in’s that day, but we made an appointment and I was beyond excited… but nervous at the same time. The tattoo artist was well known and very reputable. He did a lot of work on my cousin and his wife, my brother, and did both of my mom’s tattoos, so I trusted him. He took the time to ask what I wanted, the font I wanted, and where abouts the placement would be. The only thing I had to do was wait!

The week went by and Thursday (4/16/15) came along, and it was finally the day for my tattoo. My best friend decided to get a tattoo as well, so we went in and filled out the forms saying we were legal, we know what we were getting ourselves into, we wouldn’t sue the artist, and so on. And then we waited while the artist got his stuff set up and the table sterilized. He called us back and immediately just sparked up a conversation. I told him this was my first tattoo, and word SOON got around the entire shop that it was my first tattoo. All of the artists were really nice about it and told me the most important thing to do was breathe and relax. My tattoo artist told me that he’s had people pass out just from the anticipation of getting the tattoo! Another customer came in,and he had a huge back piece. He asked me what I was getting, and then told me that there’s nothing to worry about. I got the stencil put on and made sure the placement was correct and the design was correct, and then I was told to lay down on the table which had plastic wrap where my arm would be. The artist gave me a little pillow to rest my head on, and my best friend allowed me to use her hand to hold. The buzzing of the tattoo machine made my heart thump so badly. I was shaking and just so nervous, and the artist asked me if I was ready. I told him I was and I just took a couple big breaths and let them out slowly. He started tattooing me, and to my amazement, IT DIDN’T EVEN HURT. Yes, you read correctly. IT DID NOT EVEN HURT. I laughed at myself for how badly I was freaking out over it! So while he was tattooing me, he was asking me the meaning of the tattoo and why I was getting it, and was just super friendly about it and caring that it was my first tattoo.

The whole process from very beginning to very end was probably about a half an hour. That includes placing the stencil, getting me positioned correctly, tattooing me, making sure there was no spots that were in need of more ink, and cleaning me up and covering the tattoo.

I paid the shop minimum for my tattoo which is $50 since my tattoo is small and didn’t take but 10 minutes in total to tattoo. I tipped him $10 so in the end, I paid a grand total of $60. I wish I could have tipped him more, but I only had 10 extra dollars in my wallet.

I will never regret my tattoo, and will probably make a post all about my tattoo later on, but all in all, I had the best first tattoo experience in the world, and if they could all go as smoothly as this one did, I would probably be covered in tattoos.

The Tassel Was Worth The Hassle

It’s FINALLY that time! GRADUATION!

Okay…. not quite, but close enough right?

For me, this is a huge step. Although, it’s a huge step in anyone’s life, but to me, this is actually a major accomplishment. I never thought I would be one to graduate because I hated school. Literally HATED school. I was fine through elementary school, but as soon as I got into middle school, and especially during 7th grade, I realized I absolutely despised school.

In 7th grade, I was bullied and got threatened by a girl saying she was going to kill me and beat me up because I hugged a guy she liked. Over dramatic much? After that, I had a turn of heart when it came to school, and I decided that I just didn’t like it. I didn’t like the hard work, I didn’t like sitting through class when I could be doing something else, I just flat out despised school.

8th grade year was a lot better because I had a lot of teachers I liked, so I really can’t give any interesting stories about that year, except my Language Arts/History teacher moved to the Ukraine for 4 years and I was super bummed because she was the best teacher I ever had. But come freshman year, it was so much worse. I never went to class, and if I did go to class, I would go home “sick” and just find every reason in the book not to be there. Shockingly, I passed and only failed one semester of Algebra.

Sophomore year though? That one was a doozie. My English teacher was a complete jerk and gave me a “no credit” because I refused to be videotaped doing an assignment. (I mean, he has to have MY consent to videotape me, so why would he be pissed that I said no to something I had an option of doing? I never understood). After receiving the no credit, I simply stopped going to that class. I couldn’t get my grade back in it anyways, so why should I waste an hour of my life sitting through class and doing work that won’t even matter? Well, not going to that class turned into not going to my second hour either. I’d go and sit at a coffee shop for 2 hours, and then go to the rest of my classes. Eventually, I stopped going to those classes as well. My 6th hour science class was the only class I ever looked forward to, but eventually, I ended up hating that class as well because I started to get bullied again, and I was SCARED to go to class. My friend and I had turned in someone for stealing her brand new phone, and word got around and they blamed me for standing up and telling too. A girl in my class didn’t like that and threatened to beat my head against sidewalks and lockers and just terrible things. I stopped going to that class for awhile. Then when I started going back again, I got things said to me when the teacher stepped out of the room, and there was one time that I simply stood up and told a kid to shut the fuck up and go to hell because he’s a lying, stealing asshole who has nothing going for him in life (excuse all the bad language, but it is what I said) and then I got my stuff and walked out of class. Thankfully the teacher knew me better than that, and knew that something was seriously wrong and just let me take a breather for the remainder of the period. Sadly, that grade never went up.

None of them did. I failed 10th grade. Every single class. I had a 0.07 GPA . Not even a 1.0. At this point, I knew graduation was NOT an option, and I’d flunk out, get my GED, and call it a day.

Wrong.

I knew I was better than that. I knew I could obtain my high school diploma. I WANTED my diploma. So I asked my parents if I could do online school. They were completely against it for awhile, but I told them that I hadn’t given up hope on my diploma, and I wanted one last shot. So they finally agreed.

My first year at the school I’m in, I was completely shocked. I was able to do things on my own time, my own way, and I had so much freedom. It wasn’t as easy as I thought though. It took a lot of hard work and dedication to do online school, and a TON of self-motivation and discipline. But I made it through my first year with a 3.6 GPA. I almost had a heart attack when I saw my final GPA on my report card. The next year… that one was some serious business. I took 6 classes (the regular amount of classes) the first semester, and ended with a 3.8 GPA. However, knowing that I had to still make up part of a sophomore year, a junior year, AND start a senior year, I took SIXTEEN, yes, SIXTEEN classes in one semester. How? Honestly, I don’t even know. I would wake up at 8:30 in the morning, and just take notes, take quizzes, and pump out assignments until 3:30 the next morning. My life was dedicated to being on the computer and doing school work. Countless hours of homework. I don’t remember all the classes that I took. But I was so thankful that I was allowed to get classes done at my pace and switch them out, or else I wouldn’t be where I am today. I ended that semester with a 4.0 GPA. yes.. a 4.0. Straight A’s across the board. Which is another one of my biggest accomplishments…. ever.

I lacked 2 credits at the end of that year. Which meant I needed to take another semester of school to finish them. However, I had a senior project I had to do, a geometry class (math is definitely not my strong subject), and a life skills class. I found out that I had actually had to take two semesters of geometry in order to graduate for one full geometry credit (0.5 credits for each class each semester). So knowing that I wasn’t graduating in January was a real heartbreak for me. But I still didn’t give up. I allowed myself to take another 2 classes along with my geometry class to allow for more time since math isn’t a strong subject, and here I am, almost done with school. I have 23 days as of today (4/6/15) until I am completely done with school. I have 2.5 months until I walk across the stage at graduation.

Today.. I received my cap and gown in the mail. It hasn’t sunk in that I’m graduating yet even though I talk about it a lot, but it hasn’t hit me. It hasn’t hit me that this is the end of the road for my high school years. It hasn’t hit me that I made it. It hasn’t hit me that after this, I’ll be starting my life. None of it has sunk in yet.. maybe because I haven’t walked yet, or maybe because I haven’t finished my classes. But either way, I know that graduation is going to be beyond bittersweet for me. I’m sad to be going, because I love my school and I love my teachers… but I’m beyond excited to start college and my life and have my career and eventually a husband and my own family.

One thing I do know for sure is: The tassel is, and always will be, worth the hassle.

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Growing up, I was always the odd one out and the “late bloomer”. After dealing with my parents constantly fighting and putting me in the middle of their situations, I was forced to grow up at an early age. By the age of 8, I was already making my own dinners and everything while my parents were off fighting. Because of this, I developed a more mature mind at a younger age. I was never a person to fit in with the groups at school. I hated cliques, I hated everything about school really. I had a small group of friends, but even then I was really reserved. I was never a typical teenager.

You’d think at 14, 15, and 16, I’d be all about boys and wanting to date and just having fun, but I wasn’t. I’d rather stay home and watch TV then go out with friends. Needless to say, to this day at 19 years old, I’m still very shy, very reserved, and even more mature than I was back then. The downside? I’m very very cautious on who I trust, who I allow to see my vulnerable side and who I let in in general.

I lost my virginity at 16 to a guy who was 3 years older than me after only a short time of knowing him. Although I don’t regret it one bit, I do wish that I could have at least changed the person it was with. But you live and learn and all I’m thankful for is that I don’t regret it. Shortly after that, I met who would be my very first boyfriend. I thought he was so amazing and everything in between, and woo did he know all the right things to say. Needless to say, that didn’t end well. We dated for awhile, and it was super awkward for me because I wasn’t really into dating at that time, but I did it to “fit in” (or at least fail at attempting to) with my friends. This guy ended up cheating on me, lying to me, and leading me on. I was honestly kind of devastated when we broke up simply because it was my first break up ever, but I got over it pretty quickly when I realized he wasn’t all that and a bag of chips.

Fast forward 2.5 years and here we are. It’s the day after Christmas, and a guy messages me on a social media website, and we start talking exclusively, I give him my number and all that good stuff. Keep in mind, I’m even more reserved and not very trusting of men at this point. We kept talking and talking, and he tried so hard to get me to go on a date, and I finally said yes to a hockey game. Shockingly, this was actually my first OFFICIAL date where a guy asked me to go out and all that. Even though I was dating someone before, this was my first actual date that a man had planned PRIOR to getting very serious with me. It was the best time of my life, and I honestly wish I could relive that night every single night. I thought things were going great, but he wasn’t. He lied to me for the first time shortly after our date. I blew it off though and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Fast forward again a couple months, and here we are. I find out he lied again, and this time it honestly hurt me. Like a soul clenching kind of hurt. I was upset for a few days, and then I finally called him out on it. I asked him what he truly expected from us, and he said he didn’t know, and I told him if he wanted anything serious, then he can’t lie because that destroys trust and respect. He wasn’t very happy, and decided to lay it on me that he didn’t want anything from me other than a friendship. My heart literally sank so far down that I didn’t think it could go any farther. This was the first guy I’d talked to in over 2 years, and I trusted him enough, and I had so much respect for him, and I had such high hopes for him. Without a doubt, I was bawling. I was so devastated, I was heartbroken, and I felt like I’d been lead on all over again. Shockingly, this just happened on 4/4/15, and it still stings just as much as it did yesterday.

Nobody was lying when they said when you truly care about someone and it doesn’t work out, that it’ll hurt so badly. I’ve never experienced an emotional hurt like this before. I’ve never cried so hard over a guy in my life, and I feel kind of pathetic for crying over him, but I really did like him. He told me the connection just wasn’t there for him, and sadly, it was for me. When it comes down to it, I’m more hurt and disappointed than mad. I don’t hate him, but I’m extremely disappointed in him because he broke every single promise he ever made to me, and he made me look completely stupid. It’s definitely something that will take a while to be forgiven, if ever.

In the end though, there’s other fish in the sea. And even though I thought I found my fish, it turns out he wasn’t. Now I’ll be listening to sad songs for the next 2 weeks and randomly crying.

I just have to keep in mind that there’s more rainbows than thunderstorms and I should count my blessings instead of my dismays.

Until next time,

xoxo

Introducing Me…. Again.

So, hi.

I’ve been trying to do this blogging thing for over a year now, and I could never figure out what to write out. I felt the need to constantly try and follow a set theme, but then I realized, I can’t do that because I don’t have a set theme for anything. I’m just a simple person, so why shouldn’t I just make my blogging simple? So here it goes. Let me introduce you to me, for probably the 10th time in a year.

I’m Demi. I’m 19. I live in a smallish city that’s getting more and more populated by the day and I honestly do not like it. I come from a huge family in general, but a small immediate family. There’s me, my mom, my dad, and my older brother. In January 2014, I became an aunt to the most precious little boy in the world and I love him beyond words. I also have a 6 year old dog that I love very much as well. I have numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins. I’ve lost 2/6 of my grandparents. And I know what you’re thinking: 6 grandparents? that’s not possible! Well, it is. I counted my “step” grandparents as my actual grandparents because I grew up with them. So I still have both blood grandparents on my mothers side, my grandma on my father’s side, and a step grandma on my moms side. My “step” grandpa on my moms side passed away almost 10 years ago and my REAL grandpa on my dad’s side passed away 5 years ago. I’ll probably talk about this one a lot, because I was extremely close to my grandpa on my dad’s side.

I’m a “super” senior in high school, meaning I didn’t graduate when I was supposed to and I had to do another year in high school. It’s a bummer, but I’m done with school in 27 days (4/29). There will probably be another post about this sometime later to go into more detail about what happened and all that. The bottom line is: I’m graduating. And that’s all that matters to me.

I’m really just a simple girl. Or at least I feel like I am. I do ,however, suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar, and I also have PCOS. Literally, my life could be a bit easier, but I guess I got stuck with some complicated things. The saddest part of it all is that people never really know how to deal with me and my mood changes. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m crying. I ignore people a lot because I just can’t handle pressure or stress very well at times. It’s hard to keep relationships because guys don’t understand how to support a girl like me with mental and medical issues. I’ll get into that later on too.

So basically, my blog is going to be a place where I come to vent. So nothing all fancy shmancy. Just me, being a typical teenager and probably complaining a lot lol. However, I do love cooking and baking, so it won’t be all negative all the time!

I just wanted something to do when I needed to vent or complain if need be, or share exciting news to look back on someday . So please, if you have nothing nice to say, please refrain from saying it. Please and thanks.

So until the next post,

xoxo, Demi